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PHANTOM - 60 Hour Film Challenge

We made this in a weekend.

Directed by: Becca Hyman
Screenplay by: Me (Frankie Drew)
Title Design by: Georgia Hicks
Story by: Becca Hyman, Frankie Drew, Nicola Jane Francis, Freddee Lewis.
Starring: Freddee Lewis, Nicola Jane Francis, Tony Parkin, Frankie Drew

(Source: vimeo.com)

Here’s a little update on the last 24 hours of my life.

Colchester film festival are currently running a 60 hour film challenge that me, some friends and a very pretty director/girlfriend have decided to take part in. Since Friday night I have written a script, ran lines, spotted some pretty smooth tracking shots and acted, a bit.

Really jazzed up to make this movie, I can’t believe how much we’ve achieved in this time, no more excuses. Making art is fun and ridiculous and possible.

aggybird:

‘hi i haven’t talked to you in five weeks but we’re still best friends’: a story about me and human interaction.

Literally just about to walk innnnn

#gone girl#eeeeeee
Literally just about to walk innnnn

Regularly risking a UTI because I refuse to waste 3 minutes of my lunch hour on using the bathroom #justworkthings

Long time no face

#gpoy#my face#me
Long time no face

I’ve mentioned this on here before, but it took me so long to come out like, even to myself, which is ridiculous because I really am the gayest.

I remember being 21 and struggling with it and I kept thinking, “but what if I’m not gay though? what if I’m just doing it for attention”

Which was actually a fair assumption for me to make because I do a lot of shit for attention (actually chronicled on this blog if you go back far enough), but I would be there, obsessing over girls, like turned on by girls, dreaming about girls and still thinking, “it might not be real.”

It’s just really sad to think of me not enjoying those moments because I couldn’t trust my own body and brain, because there was all this doubt sitting in my skull.

And the truth is that I have always been gay, if I look back to nine years old I can see it, I knew then, but I also knew I was an over-dramatic fairy princess with way too much invested in a future that was so perfect it would show em all.

The reason coming out is such a minefield, other than the reactions of other people and the potential risks those reactions can have on your safety and happiness, is because we never tell our children, you can be more than one thing. Aside from being ridiculously gay, another defining aspect of my personality is that I am the fluffiest, most feminine, glitter-huffing, pony riding, lipstick collecting, disney movie watching girly girl there is. And being fat and being gay are things that do not fit with that.

Even now I’ll catch sight of myself and it’s so jarring because how can I dress this way and take up so much space? How can I be sweet and idealistic and really, really want another woman? Feminine is small, feminine is passive but I am loud and gay and chubby so why am I wearing this dress and why am I painting my face all of these beautiful colours?

It just shouldn’t take twenty four years for even the smallest amount of self-awareness to set in.

Working on a little team in a big office is weird because you see lots of people every day who you never ever speak to.

But then you share a bathroom as well which is so intimate, like there are several people who work on my floor and I don’t know their names, but I know what their shit smells like.

Just something I’ve been thinking about.

It’s as vain as anything you’d expect of me, but I had this wish, that when it happened for me, I’d be loved the way I love, or a little like it. I wanted someone who’d be besotted with me, who’d look at me the way you’d look at a volcano, or the world’s tallest building.

I don’t need any help to be breakable, believe me
I know nobody else who can laugh along to any kind of joke
I won’t need any help to be lonely when you leave me.

I’m having trouble inside my skin
I try to keep my skeletons in
I’ll be a friend and a fuck-up
And everything

But I’ll never be
Anything you ever want me to be.

#I don't want you to greive but I want you to sympathise#it'll be easy to cover gather my skeletons far inside#the national#slipped
I don’t need any help to be breakable, believe meI know nobody else who can laugh along to any kind of jokeI won’t need any help to be lonely when you leave me.
I’m having trouble inside my skinI try to keep my skeletons inI’ll be a friend and a fuck-upAnd everythingBut I’ll never beAnything you ever want me to be.

hurryuppleaseitstime:

Grief by Iviva Olenik

I’ve only just stumbled upon this artist and I’m already a little bit besotted. Please check out her blogspot here.

Feels applicable.

hurryuppleaseitstime:

Grief by Iviva Olenik
I’ve only just stumbled upon this artist and I’m already a little bit besotted. Please check out her blogspot here.

Feels applicable.

I’ve been trying to think of the perfect way to describe my Granddad; I’ve felt like if I could only say just exactly who he was then everything would be a little easier. He isn’t here now but if I have a sentence or two, some perfect words to hold onto then I’ll have something.

But of course, he was a real person and real people aren’t exactly anything, they can’t be contained in a couple of paragraphs and they’re different words to different people. I don’t have the same idea of a Granddad as they have a Father, a brother, a friend, a husband.  To find something universal to say about a person, something we would all recognise as them, isn’t a simple thing.

When I think about Granddad, mostly it will be of a man in love. Of the word bub, of waltzing with Grandma in the dining room, of being totally smitten. I will remember looking through old photos two years ago, how he said to me, “Doesn’t your Grandma have cracking legs? She still does!”  I will remember how he could sit for hours and talk about their children and why they are wonderful; how they’re dedicated, hard-working, kind, sharp, talented people. He always made me feel so special, not like I might do something important, or as if I could have a great life, but that I just would. Definitely, no question, he always sounded so convinced of it. To believe in someone is one thing, but to have so much faith in them they can feel it is something else entirely.

So it sounds a bit ridiculous to say that his universal quality, that thing we can all recognise him for is how much he loved us, but that’s what I’m keeping now . I will hope that after fifty years of loving someone I am still giddy with it. I will be proud of the life we build together, our home or family and I will not be afraid to let the people I love see how much I care about them, how well I think of them, because I’ll know how much that can mean to someone.

One of the last times I came up to visit him, I brought Beccat to meet him. It is hard, to introduce a person as ill when you’ve known him all your life as strong, as working hard, as busy. It was hard to see him, as ill as he got and I can’t imagine how frustrating it was for him, but when I brought her there, despite all that, there was still so much that stayed the same. He asked me, “has that girl got enough to eat?”. He smiled and he listened and he fell asleep in his chair by the fire. As we were leaving he looked at us and said, “Isn’t love grand?”

A Crash Course in Decent TV Featuring Ladies who like Ladies - Part Two: Orange is the New Black

Unfortunately, the venn diagram of decent television and shows about ladies who like ladies is not a circle. This is a short series on what’s out there and why you should watch it.

Starring? GLAAD award winning, TIME cover gracing, great face having, tumblr darling Laverne CoxLaura Prepon from That 70’s Show. Natasha Lyonne from hit lesbian movie, But I’m a Cheerleader. Kate Mulgrew from Star Trek: Voyager (the best Star Trek!). Danielle Brooks from not much really but new talent is just the best right. Dascha Polanco from my hairspiration. Samira Wiley from my heart.

What’s It About? Based on a memoir by ex-convict Piper Kerman chronicling her year in a Women’s correctional facility. Piper (Taylor Schilling) is a privileged New Yorker from a wealthy background with an ugly fiancée (Jason Biggs). Ten years before the show starts, Piper fell in love with a super hot bad girl named Alex who happened to work for an international drug cartel (Laura Prepon) and was talked into a teeny tiny bit of money laundering. Almost a decade later the crime catches up with Piper and she’s sentenced to fifteen months in a low security prison.

To be perfectly honest with you, Piper Chapman is one of the single most annoying television protagonists since whatever it was Benedict Crabapple last starred in. She is just, the worst. Upon learning that she will be spending time in prison, she exclaims that it can’t be possible, she’s a, “nice, blonde lady”. She’s trying to set up a homemade soap company with her best friend. She gives impromptu lectures on Robert Frost poem’s in the prison rec room.

Why should I watch it? Fortunately, this is not just a show about Piper. Nice, blonde, easy on the eyes and obscenely marketable Piper Chapman is our window into Lichfield prison and into the lives of the other prisoners and having the chance to see their lives might just be one of the best thing to happen on a television show since Willow thought Tera’s zig zig parting was totally cute.

You need to watch this show, don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect, but it’s one of the only shows out there that is actually brave, that tells the truth about our lives, that trusts it’s audience to be something more than some imaginary, eyes-tight-shut, uncaring demographic. Watch it because this show is about Sophia, a hair-stylist and trans woman, railing against the prison’s reduction of her hormone dosage. It’s about Janae, a star athlete who made all the wrong choices. It’s about ex heroin addict with Mummy issues Nicky, sweet/scary romantics Suzanne Warren and Lorna Morelle and beautiful, funny lesbian Poussey Washington. They’re black women, latina women, white women. They’re gay, straight, bisexual, queer women, cis women, trans women. They’re nuns and drug addicts; mothers and liars and cancer patients; women who steal and love.

But like, will it rip open my still beating heart? Yes. Yes it will. Not to worry though, amidst all the soul crushing realities of prison life and the miserable flashbacks, this is a very funny and even occasionally hopeful show.

But like, do they kiss? They all kiss, all of them. At my last count I think I got eight ladylady couples. That count might even be slightly short.

Where can I watch it? As of a couple of days ago, all 13 episodes of Season 2 are now available to stream instantly from Netflix. Season one is also available on Netflix, who created this show. If you don’t have a Netflix account you could watch it with someone who does, grab a months free trial or buy season one on DVD, but I really suggest you get a subscription - it’s well worth it and I am all up for supporting original programming this good.

I care. I’m here, caring, quietly, no silently caring and my love for you is real I swear it’s just I feel it, me, and I’m too aware of myself. I’m too present. I have to consider my feelings first, I’m the only real company I’ve ever had. I’m the only full girl I’ll ever know.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not you I think of best, warmest because honestly you are heat - a slow bake in the daylight, most of the time a hot bath. You are comfortable, you are comforting.

In the evening it burns and I know, you’re sorry when I can’t stand that sting, your skin on my skin but sometimes we’re too much.

First thing in the morning you’re the sun but so am I. First thing in the morning you know like fire it spits you out when it’s done I’m all that, you’re all that, too hot to hurt yourself. First thing in the morning I could eat a forest whole but I wouldn’t, I’d rather stay in bed.

I know it’s not as simple as, you gave me that. I know you’re no miracle. I know happiness is an accident.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I won’t know you the way you know you.

But if I only have a glimpse of what you are it’s from a good angle. One you can’t get to. The light hits you just right, you laugh like an avalanche, you see that, do you hear yourself? Can I tell you, why you sound that way, about your face, your back? Can I try?

I’ll get as far as kind and interesting and beautiful and all the reasons I’d spend time with someone I wouldn’t sink a ship for, or from. I know why I like you, I know why I want to spend my time with you but as for the rest I can’t say. Have they invented a word for a broken, flying thing? Will another metaphor do? Can you get stuck in the sky?

The rest is a compulsion. I want you I want you in the same place that itch in my brain came from. Just to the left. That feels good. I chose you, I think. I chose you as much as I chose myself, which is to say, not at all.

And every day.